chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
My pussy is not your playground.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
