the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
