Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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