It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
