Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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