I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
