Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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