My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
