booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
