I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
