Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
