Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
