Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
