Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
