Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
