you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
