The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
