I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
