i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
