apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
