the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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