So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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