i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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