you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
vagina is talking i cant
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
