these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
