Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
