I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
