Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It's official drugs can't kill me
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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