Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
