we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
