Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
