I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
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1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
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My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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