Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
