doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
