if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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