girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
