Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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