i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
