Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
