My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
