me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
