fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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