the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
