Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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