My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
