she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
