you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
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all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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