I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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