It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
