I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
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Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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