Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
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How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
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My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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