She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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