a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
