Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
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I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
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I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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